For Daddy - December 2008

Dear Daddy,

Tomorrow you will have been gone for two whole months. For us, the pain is still very fresh and real. I literally feel sick to my stomach with the thought of never seeing you, hugging you, playing with you, talking to you, calling you, seeing you smile again.

It's weird the things that pop into my head. Things that I never would have thought I would be remembering about you. Pedestrian things that I didn't even realize had such significance.

The way you would sigh, for example. I've thought of it so many times and yes, I've shed tears because I miss your sigh. Another example is the way that I would know you were smiling because I could see your cheeks rising from the back seat of the car. If Lesley or I ever said anything inappropriate in the car, I knew I could always count on seeing your cheeks rise like bread dough even though we were usually utterly ridiculous. I miss your eyes. You had the kind of puppy dog eyes that made it impossible to say anything hurtful to you. I always hated to see any kind of sadness in your eyes. Luckily, I didn't have to very often.

You are such an integral part of my life. That's why I feel like I'm walking around with a big gaping hole exposed. I guess a chunk of life has been ripped out of my life, which could possibly explain why I feel less alive now than I ever have.

You would know all about the Canadian Parliament fiasco if you were here. I hate that I have nobody to fire my questions at. You are the smartest person I've ever known. With your mishmash of book smarts, street smarts, and logic - you are a force to be reckoned with. I miss your intelligence.

I miss seeing my parents together. The love you have for each other is unconditional and unending. Even death can't take that away. The both of you together are an inspiration to all couples. You two together were the textbook definition of love.

Daddy, work has been helping me. I'm planning a Christmas musical for my school so that is keeping me on my toes. I wish you could come to see it, I think you'd be proud of me. It's my first time organizing something like this and I know how much you love organization of any kind!

Every month for the rest of my life, I am going to write you a letter. A newsletter of sorts. You deserve so much more than that, but I'm powerless. I'll do what I can. I've never been good at praying because I've always struggled with communicating verbally with someone who doesn't tend to communicate verbally back. I often have trouble communicating with people who do communicate verbally back for that matter. It's easier for me to write letters. Heaven is a mystery to me, but I hope that it's set up in such a way that you can read them.

I also feel like you probably have a computer network rigged up in Heaven by now. Perhaps you're teaching Abraham about word processing; surfing the web with Mother Theresa. I bet you're about to have a game of golf with Albert Einstein, and then you'll get Nanny Palmer to scratch your head.

Honestly, I don't know how it works. And I'm not going to pretend I do. I just hope that wherever you are, whatever you're doing- you're supremely happy. We certainly feel the loss on this lonely planet. To us you are a king. That's how we adored you. That's how we always will.

I love you so much Daddy. With every fiber of my being; with every atom in my makeup. Thank-you for pouring into my life. For letting me borrow some of your genes. For continuing to influence my life and decisions even from afar. As long as there is breath within me, I will tell people about your legacy. You are my real-life hero.

Love,
Your baby girl XOXO