Ginger marmalade

I hate small talk at the same time that I know it's necessary.

It's awkward. It's supremely uncomfortable. It's often superficial and supposititious. It's the most shallow form of conversation which takes very little actual thought to engage in and contains only trace amounts of heartfelt concern. But we have to do it and I struggle; it's not really my style.

You know what I'm talking about. We all force it out of ourselves. We say: "how are you?" And usually don't really listen for the answer, which is almost always: "good, how are you?" anyways. We could be torn up inside but when someone asks us that question (which I'm going to bet is the most commonly asked question out there) we don't typically get into detail. We just respond with: "good." It's easier.

Sign me up for the deep, provocative conversations. As someone who is admittedly opinionated (as an understatement), I live for the moments when the people whose carbon dioxide is my oxygen begin to talk about subjects that I feel passionate about. I am a woman of few words and many at the same time. If you choose to sit down and recount in detail each stage in the process of growing juicy radishes in the garden - I'll probably just sit idly by and allow my brain to momentarily escape from the confines of a restrictive culture that tells me I have to be knowledgeable about and interested in every topic.

It isn't that your radishes are unimportant, they're just unimportant to me. I, unlike most people, find it difficult to pretend that I care when I actually do not. But hey, I'm sure that there are loads of things I feel passionate about that you do not, too.

Over the years this has been a source of affliction for me. I am truly horrendous at making small talk. Many people who initially meet me probably think I am this aloof, snooty, puritanical person who does not know how to let loose and have fun. I am not one of those girly-girls who is your instant best friend, or who gives away hugs like bulletins in the church foyer to those I've met maybe once. Yes, it takes me awhile to warm up to people. Yes, I'm two parts introvert and one part extrovert. So sue me.

Those who know me very well are few in number. But, they exist and if they are reading this they also know all too well that I am not even close to being the "aloof, snooty, puritanical person who does not know how to let loose and have fun," that I come across as being. They have seen me unveiled on numerous occasions and they know who I am.

I've had the opportunity to nurture several beautiful friendships, but have failed on that front in many respects simply because it takes me longer than the average person to open up and reveal who I am. There were of course times when I did just that, but the introverted portion of my personality was being neglected. That happens when people do not understand your need for space; for time alone. That happens when people do not understand that there are boundaries even in friendship and that if I am attached at the hip I begin to feel a little less me.

Then there's the small talk. I don't even get past the awkwardness of the small talk stage with most people. We'll spew out all the brittle niceties and then go on our merry way, never quite acknowledging the seed that could grow into a beautiful Chrysanthemum if we would just plant it.

Friendship isn't this complicated for most people. Most have straightforward personalities that can mesh well together like peanut butter and jelly. I guess I am the ginger marmalade of life.

But don't feel bad, I am wholly content with being ginger marmalade. For one, I am too much of a typical, introverted, closet story-writer to be either peanut butter or jelly. It could never work for me. I can't do the nightly phone calls, the "lets-hang-out-every-night" or the "I wonder how many facebook photos I can get tagged in this week?" I enjoy my me time too much, and I married Craig for a reason. He's the only one I can be even remotely peanut butterish with.

I do have some people in my life who are not thrown by the fact that I cannot conform to the stereotypical definition of friendship that tells us we have to spend X amount of hours hanging out and/or talking on the phone each week. I'm even lucky enough to have people in my life who also do not conform to that definition. What I don't have that many of you probably do is fifty best friends and a multitude of potential candidates. And you know what? That's perfectly okay with me. In fact, I don't envy you at all. I enjoy my handful of cool people, thank you very much.

So, I just felt I needed to clear the air. Out of the 1105 people I've had come to my site thus far, I'm sure there are several who have at some point wondered what my deal was. Well, now you know!