Musings at 1 a.m.

Ideally, I would have started practice for the Christmas musical back in October.

Clearly nothing went as planned in October 2008.

The musical is happening December 17th. So the reality is that I have only a couple weeks to pull something together.  

I've rearranged the play so that every 3rd grader gets a speaking part. I've also refrained from picking only the best-behaved students for lead roles. I've tried to keep it as fair as possible, while remembering that sometimes kids who are acting out just need for someone to show interest in them- someone to believe in them. I hope they prove me right!

Today has been rough. I woke up feeling upset. I think I was probably dreaming again, and that whatever I was dreaming set the tone for my day. Surprisingly, I've come to appreciate the weekdays as much as the weekends. Weekdays give me some reprieve.

Everything in my once brightly-coloured world has lost its lustre. Nothing is exciting. There's a damper on my emotion-maker and that's not me. I'm typically all Bob Marley. I'm typically all "Don't Worry, Be Happy." These days, I have moments when I smile and laugh, but it's not a complete happiness. Not an authentic happiness like it would have been pre-October.

I think about the one thing that can invoke more excitement in me than anything else: travel.

Even the thought of travelling is becoming grayer. I know I lost a year with my Dad because I was in Korea. So many memories are less than fresh because I was not with him for the last year of his life.

While the Korea thing was a good experience, I think if I were to do a stint overseas again, I would want it to be 6 months or less. As fun and worthwhile as travelling is, friends and family are more important and it is hard being away from them for so long. Especially when something like this happens and I wind up realizing what I missed out on.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to see the world. I just have a feeling that the world will seem a little less amazing after what I've been through.

Now everything is so muddy. I look back on the events of the past few months and think to myself: "Are you sure about all this, Laura? Are you sure that's what happened? How can that be?" In those moments it hits me and it feels as though I've been held hostage for a long, long time. Longer than the 2 months it will be on Thursday. I have to remind myself that this is all still very raw and I don't have to be doing better yet. Or ever, if I don't feel like it.

I'm trying to come to terms with the way in which this whole life-death thing is set up, but nothing is making sense to me. If it makes sense to anyone else feel free to try and enlighten me.

In any case, it is officially December 1st, 2008 right now which means that Christmas is kicking into high gear. Once you're on the roller coaster you have to wait until it's finished to get off.