The title of this blog is a prime example of why English is one of the hardest languages in the world to learn. Darn you, unnecessary homonyms!
The "content" I speak of has absolutely nothing to do with a.) something that is contained, or b.) the contents of a book. I'm thinking more along the lines of happiness. But really, what is complete happiness? And really, who is completely happy?
There are aspects of my life that I'm thrilled about. I have an abundance of good, happy things going on. And like everyone else, I also have plenty to cry about. So much is not as I wish it to be. I look to fill any voids with accomplishment. There are too many things I want to acheive and I often proclaim to be an aspiring everything. That in itself may provide a valid reason as to why I'm not living up to my potential - I cannot concentrate on just one thing.
For some people happiness is found in the known. Happiness is a familiar house in a familiar town in a familiar region in a familiar country with familiar people. It's definitely a: "whatever floats your boat" kind of thing in my opinion. I have always found peace and happiness in both the familiar and the new. Since I was a kid climbing hills and trees and exploring the woods, I've loved adventure. Now, the adventure of exploring my great backyard has evolved into a passion for travel and culture. Those two things just make me.... content.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being stuffed in a jar that is too small to hold me. (Sometimes I feel like I'm being stuffed into jeans that are too tight to hold me, as well, but I digress). The point is, right now I don't have a lot of people in my life who provide the fertilizer that my aspirations and dreams need to flourish. I don't get the sense that a lot of people are rooting for me, telling me to go for it and see what I can do. In fact, I often feel guilty about even wanting to try.
I cannot help it. My brain is just not wired in the "ordinary" kind of way. I'm not content to simply buy a house, have lots of kids, work a nine to five until retirement and watch as my life along with all my hopes pass me by. Besides, if I've learned anything this year it's that life is short and we never know how much time we actually have.
The people in my life love me. It's just that most of them define content differently than I do, so it's hard for them to see where I'm coming from.
Some of this introspection has clearly stemmed from the Island Reef Job that I absolutely knew I wouldn't get (because my application stunk). But it runs deeper than that. It's this underlying need to get out and find a way to do what I love, while trying to live with the ever-present knowledge that time is fleeting and time is fickle.
I don't know what I'll end up doing or where I'll end up doing it. What I do know is that right now I'm not content to "act" out a life that everyone else thinks is right for me simply because it's the kind of life that has been right for them.
8 comments:
"Sometimes I feel like I'm being stuffed in a jar that is too small to hold me."
Me too! I often feel the need to explode :D
I agree on happiness and I'm on a constant search for it. I can make myself happy but I prefer to see out things that bring me additional happiness....like exploration and friendly sea creatures.
~Zellie
mywildheart.wordpress.com
you are, and have always been, different from the 'ordinary world'... which is definitely not a bad thing. You always had your own opinion, your own way of thinking things through, your own way of doing things... which makes you Laura Rae-lynn Palmer-Mews... (wow, long name). Who said we need to be 'content' anyways... besides it's so subjective. Do what makes you happy today, you are responsible enough not to go bankrupt or hungry... so do what makes you happy, and to heck with anyone who tries to convince you otherwise!! Besides, it's not like you'd listen anyway, right!? ha
the only thing can go by is my own life experience and my interpretation of what i'm allowed to see in other people's lives.
i'm an old man closer to the end than i am to the beginning and i've never been accused of exceptionality or uniqueness . . . but there's an old saying: "the devil knows more because he's an old devil, than he knows because he's the devil."
when i think back on my youth i have few regrets. whenever i threw caution to the wind and pursued my inclinations the result was usually hardship. on the other hand when i was pragmatic i had some successes and still a lot of hardship.
the best times were those when i broke away from the pack and followed my own vision (for good or ill) - - - i regret that i did not do this more often.
thank you for sharing,
and keep on bloggin' :-)
..
.ero
You have just put how I feel into words. I actually worry (on a daily basis) about getting into a 'life rut' and not getting out. I am never content to be content. I always need more.
Keep reaching for the moon, Laura! One day you'll get there!
Interesting--I did originally read it as CON-tent instead of con-TENT!
Back in December I used your "The Best" prompt on The One-Minute Writer. I'm now starting a One-Minute Writer podcast where I'll be reading prompts and the winning responses. I was thinking of using that one, with your permission. If you don't mind me using it, please e-mail me at cbethblog(at)gmail(dot)com. Thanks!
Do whatever makes you happy, and dont settle for anything less.
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