For Daddy - May 2009

Dear Daddy,


7 months. Too long and it keeps getting longer. So long and yet when I allow my mind to "go there" I still feel the sudden urge to hurl. I guess that's one sure sign that you really love/miss someone - if you feel like you need to throw up when you think about them being gone.


A couple of weeks ago I had a breakdown while I laid in bed - it's been awhile since I've done that. That's progress, I suppose. It wasn't pretty, but it felt good to knock down the wall I've built up in my mind and let all the thoughts and realities temporarily flood in. But of course, I built the wall up again immediately after. It's my coping mechanism.


The strength it takes to keep that wall up is analogous to keeping a muscle constantly flexed. I guess, though, if that's what it takes to be able to soldier on, that is what I have to do.


I've recently enrolled in a creative travel writing course. Remember how I would spend hours in my bedroom writing things that you always wanted to read? Remember how I would rarely let you get your hands on any of it? Funny how that works. I have always been the most shy about showing my writing to my parents; the two people who surely would have been my biggest supporters.

The Ray Palmer Legacy Golf Tournament seems like it is going to go over very well. You were extremely lucky to have such devoted friends. Craig and I won't be able to make it home to the tournament. It is a little disappointing, yet at the same time I don't know if I would be able to go even if I was home. I love the idea and support it whole-heartedly, but it's too early for me. I'm not sure how I'd handle it. If I had to make a guess, I'd say not that well.

A couple weekends ago at Mark's wedding I saw a lot of the Palmers for the first time since... well... since. It was more emotional than I thought it would be. I look at them and all I see is you. I tried to keep it together and for the most part I did.

The school year is quickly winding down and pretty soon I'll be home again. My greatest fear is that there will be no escape from this harsh reality when I return. I'll have to face everything head-on. The hardest will be having to watch Mommy as she tries to adjust to her new life alone. Of course she won't really be alone, as we'll be there for her. But being there for her is different than being there with her, in the physical sense.

Daddy, you're the first thought I have in the morning and the last thought I have at night. I keep your picture right next to my bed and it constantly reminds me of the kind of Dad I had.

My next goal is to learn how to smile when I reflect on memories of you, rather than frown.

I love you so much and you are always remembered.

-Your baby girl XOXO