They're cute. Snuggly. Dependent on you. I like babies, but I also like dogs - who just happen to be cute, snuggly and dependent as well.
Okay, maybe that came out wrong. But before everybody starts whipping mental stones at me for comparing babies to dogs, at least let me explain myself.
Craig and I have no interest in being parents. Craig says he never wants to be a parent. I say that I'm only 25 and can't say never because who knows what kind of transitions will occur in my thinking patterns over the course of a few years. But, at least for the foreseeable future we are quite content with being the couple that has two dogs and zero children.
Keeping that in mind, please refrain from asking us the obligatory: "So when's your turn?" question if I hold someone else's baby. Or even worse, making the comment: "Babies look good on you." Of course babies look good on me. They look good on everyone. They're babies. They're at the only stage of their life where everyone finds them to be adorable.
Don't worry if you've asked me that question or made that comment to me before. I don't actually get angry when you say things like that; I know you mean well. And I'm aware that for most people having babies is the next natural step after marriage. I just think it's important to recognize that babies are not the next natural step for everyone. For one thing, many couples can't have children even if they want to. So approach the topic with some trepidation, at the very least.
As a woman, not wanting kids is sometimes awkward. When Craig says he doesn't want children, that's okay and even kind of normal. But for a woman to say that she's not sure she wants to be a mom? Blasphemy!
Little girls grow up playing house and being a mommy to all their babydolls. From a very early age the "logical sequence" of life was ingrained into our brains and that certainly included motherhood. In fact, motherhood was the pinnacle of life. We didn't bother to cover retirement or old-age in play; milestones that are clearly less romanticized. After we had our "children" and took care of them for awhile, the plot ended and we opted to go eat some Kraft Dinner or climb the hills outside.
I don't want to be seen as a cold-hearted, selfish kid-hater just because I prefer not to have my own. I love children. I have chosen a career in which I will deal directly with dozens of children on a daily basis. My nephews are the two most precious children in the world. That's the thing, though. I enjoy sharing other people's children and then I enjoy giving them back. I enjoy being able to avoid wiping the poop from a smelly butt by using the excuse: I did not create this, YOU did!
As a child, I think the way I differed from many other girls my age in play was that I created story plots featuring fictional characters. When I played mommy, I wasn't Laura. I was Alia, or Alexis or Jordi. When my Barbie got married, she wasn't me. She was a fabricated character that I had developed in my head. Unlike so many little girls, I did not dream of my wedding day or entertain the thought that one day I would have my own children. To be honest, back then I felt quite content with just skipping all that stuff. I believe at one point I decided that I wanted to live with my parents for the rest of my life.
During my first couple years of university I had accepted the "natural progression" and just assumed that of course I would be a mother one day. Without ever really thinking it through. Then one day, I thought it through.
The idea of being responsible for keeping somebody else alive terrifies me. I'm not even sure how to keep a plant alive. Not only that, but what about the concern that goes along with having to watch every single thing you do and say out of fear that one mistake, one misstep will have profound negative impacts on little human whom you are expected to mold and shape into a sensible, self-reliant adult? It is a constant worry. For the rest of your life. Day in, day out, till death do us part.
Part of my fear stems from the fact that I do actually love so deeply. I feel I would be completely consumed at every moment with making sure the person who has been entrusted to me is on the right track. To call it overwhelming is an understatement. You see, it isn't that Craig and I wouldn't be caring parents, it's that I know we would be. Not to mention that there are enough children out there already who don't have caring parents and a family that is characterized by warm relationships. Which is why, to be frank, I believe more people should start thinking along these lines. Also, it should be illegal for people who don't have their lives together to be bringing children into their mess. Sterilization, for the win! (But that's another topic for another day).
I've heard the arguments coming from the other side. "Christmas becomes more exciting" (is that really one of the main benefits of having children? Really?), "you never experience love like the love you experience for your child" (while I'm sure this is true, I currently have several people in my life that I love very deeply and I am quite satisfied with that) and "you will be overflowing with joy because your child will bring happiness to your life on a regular basis" (also true, I'm sure, and not to be a pessimist, but more love equals more pain in the future when that love inevitably becomes accompanied by loss.) I don't say that in any way to diminish the value of love or say it isn't worth it, because it is. Yet... something to think about.
I would sincerely like to have someone explain to me why exactly so many people do want children. I don't believe I've ever heard a logical reason. All of the reasons above seem somewhat selfish; they are based on filling one's own desires and needs. So before anybody thinks I'm selfish for not having children, keep in mind the fact that my current decision has been made, at least in part, for the benefit of my non-existent child.
To get back to the first statement I made about our dogs: they are cute. Snuggly. Dependent. And the really great thing is that we do not hold the responsibility of shaping them into morally-intelligent, caring, hard-working, fully-functioning adults. In short, it's not as easy to screw them up.
The end.
11 comments:
I can honestly say I share your fears. Right now I just say 'not right now' when people ask. After almost 2 years of marriage, we get asked ALOT.
The thing is, we don't even have pets yet. I did have a fish, but he only lasted a little over a year.
I'm pretty sure I will have children. Eventually. I don't like the responsibility but I do have a couple of good genes to pass on to the next generation! Is that a good reason??
Is wanting to start a family band like the partridge family a good reason? Because that's a pretty awesome reason to have kids.
I remember many barbie/doll synarios where we scripted very interesting lives for those characters, I don't think any ever had babies. Oddly, I think the drama we imagined was more sex in the city style, without the ronch. Anyway, I liked babies and knew someday I would want one, not sure where the desire comes from, its like a longing in the deep scary parts of my stomach where the most profound emotions hide. I wanted a family, not sure why, I don't consider myself worthy to be Benjamin's mom and I'll always worry about the path I set him on, I just hope he shares some of my values. Anyway, I wasn't trying to become a mom so soon, I actually had a panic attack when I found out, it came and went for weeks, and still sneeks around when I realize the responsibility I've taken on. I didn't feel ready, but am at the same time. Its a paradox I can't truly explain. I want my own personal goals, but they're not too hard to put asside right now. I'm sorry people keep asking the enevitable, it must be annoying, it was for us then too, and we had simply secided to wait 5 years. Benjamin is my blessing, and he's right for me, I'm happy with this future, and in the law of oppisites it can only be concluded that this future is also 'wrong' or maybe a softer way to put it would be; 'not right' for some. anyway, the desire is a deep mysterious feeling, how easy is it to put words to accurately portray a feeling? Addoption shouldn't be soooo expensive, I'd love to adopt, not to fill MY world with little faces, but to give them the opportunities I had. Anyway, if you don't feel that desire in the pit of your stomach then tell people that God hasn't fostered that in you so maybe He has other plans, people of faith can't REALLY argue with that.
why do people want babies? well there are probably a lot of reasons that people will say that will be valid, but I believe the simple answer is that God puts in his creation the desire to multiply. Among the things that God charged his first masterpieces with was to "be fruitful and multiply". Otherwise the population would have been gone a long time ago. We are wired that way. Biblically, having a lot of children showed that you had favor from God because your family name would live on. I also believe it's a God desire to be in relationships, he created Eve to be with Adam yet there are plenty of people who would rather be alone.
random tangent: i meet so many singles who have no desire for marriage but date like crazy, i think it would be fair for God to make them undateable so that those of us who want to be married can have people to date :) lol. goodnight friend
I do agree that relationships are important, and for SOME people starting a family and having babies is appropriate. However, I know that there are LOTS of people out there who should be worrying more about getting their own lives together before they start bringing other human beings into it. Not only that, but I don't think that having children is right for everyone, even if they WOULD be good parents. For me personally, right now, it's not right. If I ever had a child I would love it unconditionally. But there's nothing wrong with the fact that right now the desire doesn't exist within me, either.
Plus, the population of the world is already getting out of control. :)
Charlene - I guess the number of questions increases with the number of years! Yikes.
Brandon - I think that's probably the best reason I've ever heard.
Crystal-Lynn - I can imagine that it's difficult to put into words. This blog is not in any way meant to diminish the awesome gift that a child is to a family. It's just a personal orientation. :)
Nina - I enjoy your theory about how people who aren't interested in marriage should become undateable. haha.
Oh, and my Barbies had PLENTY of babies (I vividly remember using balled up tissue under her shirt to make a baby belly on occasion)... especially after the invention of mini-Barbies. What were they called again???? haha
Seriously? No babies in my Barbies bellies. I wasn't bwing defensive, sorry if it seemed so. I simply wanted to take a stab at your questioning peoples reasons they offer for having children, ovbiously the idea that they make Christmas better isn't adiquaie.
haha you didn't seem defensive. Why, did I seem defensive, making you think that I thought you were being defensive? :p
Oh boy, so much gets lost in translation here.... :)
sister, my dear. . . hahaha. . . there was so much bundled up in that post that I don't even know how to address it all, haha. . .
I just love children, and life didn't feel complete without having them. It isn't for everybody, and I don't think that people should be having children unless they are in a situation where they can foster and take care of the children (emotionally, physically, and socially).
There is, for MOST (not all) an inherent longing for children. People who cannot have children go through drastic extremes in an attempt to have them. I know of several of those people personally.
For me, life is just not complete without my babies. I don't know where the need comes from, I suppose it depends on who you ask. Some would say it is a longing placed there by God, some would say it's the unconscious evolutionary urge to make sure that your genes get passed into the next generation, and so on. . . maybe it's a mixture of those. That all being said, I think that the formula is different for everybody and that it doesn't apply to all. It used to be that it was ASSUMED that people would have babies. Luckily, there's a little thing called progress and it is now a matter of choice. If you don't want babies, you shouldn't have them.
Now, after saying all that, I have to say. . . I can't keep plants alive either (although I'm getting better at it now), I can't even THINK about the responsiblity of having a pet and cleaning up it's bodily discharge. There is something different and very natural about taking care of children. And, while it is stressful, it's a different kind of stressful than other stressful things. I spend all day with children and by the end of the day I'm majorly stressed, however when I come home and hear my babies laugh or watch Isaac dance, the stress melts away. There is a stress about whether they are doing ok, whether you're doing a good job, etc., but there is SO MUCH happiness and joy (that is felt BECAUSE you see your children happy and joyful) that it sort of levels it out.
And I could definitely agree about the whole "the harder you love the further you fall" thing, since inevitably things can always happen to people you love. However, you can't go through life thinking like that. If I let myself, I'd go down that road and end up pushing away everyone in my life, and making sure that nobody new ever came in. Love is ALWAYS a risk, but it's a risk that we need to take. . . unless we want to be alone.
I agree with your choice. . . I think it's fine for you to not want babies. However, I can't help but think that it would be nice for my babies to have cousins someday :p
Thought I'd check back on this post.
Well said Les, It's an odd feeling that urge, or desire. And a person isn't required to have it.
Les, if Isaac and Andrew need a cousin, they can think of Benjamin as a psudo-cousin. He'd like it, I think. His real cousin's are older. I know it's no where near the same.
I wish everyone could be honest with themselves about this as you are. There are so many unwanted children out there and so many adults who would opt out of parenthood if they knew the difficulties and sacrifices it demands. Many people are just not capable or willing to give up so much and believe me, it is a thankless job. That being said, I truly loved being a mom when my kids were small. It was a wonderful time in my life, full of much joy. The hardest part for me was letting go when they were grown up.
It has been like grieving death. You are right to acknowledge that you may change your mind when you are older. Never say never!
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