For Daddy - July 2009

Dear Daddy,

This month I've made my way home and just as I suspected, it's been tough. Now more than ever I realize that while I did have to figure out a way to return to my job after everything went down, returning to my job was also a convenient excuse to run away from the very thing that I found too hard to come to terms with.

Here - I don't exactly have a choice. It's everywhere I look and in everyone I see. Sometimes it sits there like a big, fat purple elephant in the room, and other times I do allow myself to be momentarily open and honest with a select few. I quickly try to compose myself, of course, but I know it's natural. Many firsts that my family have already experienced are just happening for me - like a new cut every day.

It's how I know that running doesn't solve anything - it just prolongs the process. Yet, somehow, I think perhaps that is what I wanted all along. There's a strange comfort in remaining sad about this, because it might mean you haven't been gone all that long.

Since returning I've been very busy. Back and forth, here and there, all around the Island. So much for relaxing before my trip to Europe. I have a distant memory of mid-June and me saying to Craig: "This will be the first Summer in a LONG time that I haven't worked. It will be nice to relax!" Relax? I think we've done everything but. However, it is nice to be home -despite the obvious gaping hole that exists here. It's good to be back with the people that matter - despite having to constantly miss one of the most important ones.

I wish you were here to tell me again about your trips to Europe so that I could get some tips from you. Not just that, but everyday I have to worry about things that I really don't understand like car issues, insurance, pension plans, money ordeals - you know, grown-up stuff that I never cared to learn about. I often think or say aloud to Craig: "Who's going to tell us what needs to be done and when now that Daddy is gone?" You were like the brains behind every operation. How do people know when to do stuff if nobody tells them? I'd never be concerned about getting into hot water for driving while my car registration is expired if you were here. I'd think: "If my car was supposed to be registered, Daddy would have told me about it."

Clearly I was more than a little dependent on you. We all were. You knew everything, somehow. I guess somebody told you these things once upon a time too.

Craig and I went to "town" the other day to see some apartments. On the way in I realized that it would be my first time back since the darkest days of my life. That was difficult in itself, and then I saw a sign advertising a place that now represents so much pain and anguish to me. It was just one of the several times I've gotten emotional since being back.

You know, we may still be swimming through an ocean of sadness, but at least we're still swimming. Any inch we move toward peace and happiness is still progress. And we do it for you - because we know without a doubt that you want us to have peace and be happy. We're getting there. It will always be the crappiest deal ever, but we're getting there.

Andrew's complexion is darker than Isaac's. His head is rounder and his eyes are poppier. We all say he reminds us of you. I think we all desperately want him to be exactly like you. He'll be christened on Sunday: Andrew Raymond Marc. See, he even has two of your names.

Some people have really lousy families. I mean when I hear about men who beat their wives and their children, I get really angry. I'm not going to lie - I have, on occasion, thought that it's pretty unfair that men like that get to live while men like you die. You were the most incredible father, husband and person I know. And you were ours. Even with this new reality that is also ours, we're lucky.

One of the main things I keep telling myself is that you'll never know this pain. It gets me through. You lost your mom, but it was expected, and she lived a full and happy life. You would have accepted it if you'd had the chance. I don't think any pain exists that is greater than losing someone you love so completely when you know they had so much ahead of them, so much left to accomplish. Daddy, you'll never have to know what it's like to lose your wife, your child, too soon. Perhaps then, you hit a streak of luck, too.

Miss you everyday, love you forever,

Your baby girl XOXO