Dear Daddy,
Tomorrow is New Years Eve, which means that a full year has come and gone and I have not seen you. Hard to believe that the last conversation we had was in 2008 and the last time I saw you was on the way back from my wedding in Cuba.
Christmas has come and gone, too, and this was another "floaty" one. Anybody who has not lost somebody so close to them may not fully comprehend what I mean when I say "floaty", and even some of those who have may not understand. But it is a word that for me encompasses a lot of what I've felt since you've gone.
This year Isaac was more excitable and Andrew (who is a little YOU) was around too. Those two gave us the gift of little moments of joy. It definitely has not been possible to ignore the two huge gaping holes in our circle left by the absence of you and nanny, but we know you're with us and I believe you're together. Any solace comes from reminding myself of that.
Last Christmas day we went to the "memory garden" to visit you and then headed right to the hospital to be with nanny. This Christmas we went to the memory garden and were able to avoid the hospital. Knowing that the both of you, two people who are such an integral part of my world, are not in any way suffering and are at peace is what gives me peace. Not to say that I've completely come to terms with all this because that is the furthest thing from the truth, but there are glimmers of hope.
We all miss you both so much. It's in the little things and the big things. There are so many things I want you to know and I am constantly yearning to have you both here with me. It is an indescribable sorrow to lose people you love so deeply and who have made it clear that they also love you. I feel in a way that you two are lucky to have escaped from this earth so that you may never know that kind of sorrow again yourselves. You will never have to lose me as I have lost you.
Neither of you will ever be forgotten. Your memory will live on in me and in others as long as we are still on the earth. And I cannot wait to see you again. Facing the inevitability of death has become a lot less scary for me.
I'm not sure how they do Christmas in Heaven but I hope you and all of the others we know and love who have gone before had the most amazing turkey dinner ever. Selfishly, I would give anything to have you both back. I would love to be that kid again who wakes up on Christmas morning not having to think about how her father and grandmother (who was actually more like a second mother, really) are not with her anymore. I miss the magic and the reality of life and death has hit me so hard, so soon. I am sure though, that if we can go through this year and not have anything drastic happen to us, next Christmas will be just a little bit more magical.
You are always on our minds and in our hearts.
Love you both barrels and barrels of nippers eyebrows,
Laura XOXO
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