Nanny

Rumour has it that I'm the world's worst blogger.
If you count the thoughts swirling around in my head as rumours, that is.

The truth is, I haven't felt up to writing.

In my last post I mentioned how I thought this Christmas should certainly be better than the last. And I think that still stands. But, since that last post I lost yet another one of the most important people in my life, and I do not say that lightly. On December 1, my other grandmother left this cruel earth and went to Heaven.

I have never known life without this woman. To call her a grandmother even seems like an understatement. She was so much more than that to me - more like another parent. She was the strongest, most beautiful and intelligent person with this incredible stamina and unwavering loyalty. I always knew that if anybody was going to be in my corner, it was her.

Her and I had this extremely close bond. I could attempt to explain the depth of that bond, but I would surely fall short. There is just far too much to say. Her significance in my life runs too deep. Mere words cannot even begin to describe how much I loved and respect her... how much I continue to do so.

Really, I lost her a year ago. Not long after Daddy passed away, "Nanny" (as I always called her) suffered a massive stroke. Since then she had been lying in a bed, the left side of her body paralyzed. She was trapped inside of her own body with no way to communicate. That was painful to watch. So many times I would look at her and just know she was uncomfortable, but not know how to help her because she couldn't communicate. She was always an extremely independent lady. She had to be. I knew that this new reality was not a way of life she wanted for herself. Not that anybody would want that reality for themselves - but, well, you'd just have to know her to understand.

She wasn't absent during this past year, though. She was still there. When I'd go to see her she would cry and smile and reach out for my hand. She lost a lot, but never the ability to recognize people and to show us how much she loved us.

Selfishly, I am devastated that she is no longer present with me here. In my mind I had her up on a pedestal that would give the Queen a run for her money. Without her my already incomplete life feels even more incomplete. She is the matriarch of our entire family - the glue that has brought and held us all together.

Unselfishly, I feel relieved. For her. I believe in afterlife - I have to. I have to believe that Daddy welcomed her into Heaven with open arms and that they are up there together eating "cooked dinner," laughing, smiling - being healthy and happy. A woman who has faced so much adversity in her life can now find peace at last.

And while the selfish part of me often takes over, when I remind myself that she's with Uncle Jamie (her son), Nanny Palmer, and Daddy - possibly even my cat Oreo and all the other pets I had in previous years (let everything that has breath....) the whole thing feels much more bearable.

That's why I say that this Christmas, despite the events that have taken place in recent weeks, should be better than the last. This Christmas I won't have to watch her suffer.

On December 4, 2009, I stood on Daddy's grave and watched them bury my other hero(ine) right next to him.

I know death is inevitable, but I truly hope for the sake of my family and myself that it will leave us alone for a good, long while.

Love you Nanny.
XO