Dear Daddy,
The 14th of this month marked one full year since I last saw you. That is such a difficult pill for me to swallow, and it doesn't seem to get any easier to understand as more time passes. The shock, the sadness, the grief, the disappointment - it all lingers on.
Just over a year ago we were on our way back from Cuba. We were in the Toronto airport and I had to watch you and mommy walk away down a long corridor knowing that it would definitely be 6-12 months before we saw each other again. That was hard. Imagine how much harder it would have been if I'd known how the year would really play out.
My last memories of us together is my wedding week in Cuba. The memory that for some reason is the most vivid in my mind is of us swimming in the ocean and drifting with the waves. I think it might have something to do with how happy you looked. You floated around like a little boy and kept talking about how the next wave was going to be HUUUUUGE... and it never was really that huge. But the anticipation of a huge wave was enough to sustain us all. That memory is a shining example of how happy and healthy you were, and I think of it often.
I'm blessed that you were at my wedding. I can't imagine having to get through my wedding if you weren't there. I got you for longer than some people get their dads and for that I'm grateful. But it was still too early for you. That's the hardest part.
And a year has passed. I just celebrated my one year wedding anniversary in Paris. Extraneous factors made it a difficult first year in some ways - but having Craig there with me during the rougher times helped.
You are so missed. We're pushing forward and learning how to smile again, but we all feel the loss, constantly.
I thought about you a lot in Europe. Especially because you forged your way through many of those countries before I ever did. Mostly though, I thought of you when somebody shoved me out the of the way so they could get closer to the Mona Lisa or, without any hint of subtlety, jumped in front of me in line. I wished you were there on several occasions to school some of the rude people we encountered in civility.
Summer has been strange without you around. Sometimes I expect to see you loading your clubs into the black Taurus and heading off to the golf course. Other times I expect you to be out on a deck somewhere barbecuing chicken for us. The shock never wears off for me. Every now and then it will just hit me. My mouth with literally drop for a moment as I try to understand what has happened. Then I have to go about life fooling myself, letting myself believe that maybe you're still around.
It's been a year, and the fact that you aren't here still shocks me.
I'm not sure if that is appropriate on the timeline of grief or not, but that's where I am, and it is what it is.
We may be slow, but I think you'd be proud of us. We're all getting up each day and we're all sticking together. I know that's what you would want.
Daddy, you are remembered every moment of every day. We love you so much and acknowledge on a regular basis how lucky we were to ever have you here with us.
Love,
Laura XOXO
