For Daddy - November 2009

Dear Daddy,

It feels like it's been a long time since I've written, but that's because I wrote at the beginning of last month and - well, that was quite a long time ago!

School has really picked up in November, so I've been busy with that. There was a point after I got accepted when I was somewhat excited about becoming a student again. Yet, while most of the courses are interesting, I'm not really enjoying certain aspects of this program. Thankfully, I don't have a whole lot of time left with it! Pretty soon I'll be a counsellor and all the other stuff will be behind me. I hope you're proud! :)

I think of you in the weirdest situations, and oddly enough - a lot of times it's because of food. The other day Craig made a pot of pea soup and all I could think was: "Daddy would LOVE this. I wish he were here!" Tonight we made the BEST nachos EVER and my first thought was: "Oh Daddy would go crazy for these!"

I find myself constantly worried that people who don't know me very well or know what happened will ask me something about you. And then of course I'll have to tell them what happened and they won't know what to say... and then it'll be awkward because they'll feel really bad. And then I'll be left thinking about the enormity of what I've lost.

Just the other day, actually, one of my profs told me that he was having a difficult time because a friend he had lunch with just a few days earlier had passed away. He went to sleep and didn't wake up. He was fifty. He had a wife and children. I sympathized with my prof because as he said it I could sense his disbelief and I couldn't help but think: this is my story. And there is no way to adequately describe the shock something like this causes to your system. I remember how it feels - almost too well. It's physical, it's emotional, it's mental, and it's every fiber of your being locked in confusion and anguish. It's coming to an understanding of why they coined the term: "broken-hearted." Because that's literally what it feels like. So I sympathize with that family and with every other family who knows what that shock feels like. It's something I never want to experience again, that's for sure.

Christmas is coming up and again this year I find it hard to jump on the festive bandwagon (though other people seem to do so earlier and earlier every year). I never used to mind people talking about Christmas in October, but now I just think: "Seriously? We haven't even had Halloween yet." Now that it's almost December I'm a little more comfortable with it. When I see the commercials on TV, part of me yearns to feel that excitement - to be that girl who adore Christmas more than almost anybody again. But then part of me feels like that's impossible when such integral parts of me are missing (you, nanny). However, as Chris Martin says in one of my favourite Coldplay songs: "Everything's not Lost." I know that. I'm becoming more and more aware of that, and I know you would want us all to be happy. We're working on it, little by little. And this Christmas, at any rate, should be better than the last. But just know that we'll be missing you the entire time.

I wish you could see your little grandbabies. And by grandbabies I mean Isaac, Andrew, Winston and Winnie. :) You would love them all so much. I know for sure they would definitely love you. That is, until you'd pick on them so much that they would either a.) start to cry (for Isaac and Andrew) or, b.) bite you (for Winston and Winnie).

Daddy, if I've gotten anything from this whole situation, it's the ability to be able to put things in perspective. When I come across difficult people or am placed in a bad situation, I'm now much more able than before to realize how little it actually matters in the grand scheme of things.

Still, I'd switch this new ability with my old naiveté in a heartbeat if it meant having you around again. I miss you.

Love,
Laura XOXO

Awkward....

Does anyone else find this commercial extremely off-putting, awkward, and just plain... creepy?



It's on ALL the time, and I don't understand it one bit. I mean, really, did the father just escape from jail? Did he have an affair with his daughter's best friend? Is he making a return from rehab? Is the daughter beginning to forgive him for not paying child support all her life?

Come on, Swiss Chalet! You can't make a weird commercial like this and not give us the background info!

Celebrate Good Times, Come on!

Photo Courtesy

I forgot to write a little celebratory post......

I have exceeded 10, 000 hits! 10, 104 last I checked.

Thanks to those of you who take the time to read my silly blog. :)

<3

What's in a Name? (Part II)

Yes, I admit it. I have, on a few occasions, tried to Google myself. I've been on the internet for years and years, so I figure hey, there must be something out there in Google-world that has to do with me.

Unfortunately, both my first and last name are extremely common. And the combination of Laura with Palmer seems to be particularly popular.

When I Google myself, the pages that come up all revolve around one question: "Who killed Laura Palmer?" accompanied by this lovely picture of a very dead Laura Palmer:

Great. I know.

I think the show "Twin Peaks" was a little bit before my time. But often when people first meet me and I tell them my name they exclaim: "Oh, Laura Palmer! Ever seen the show  'Twin Peaks?'"

No I have not seen the show. Yes I am aware that the entire premise behind the show is to figure out who killed Laura Palmer.

Thanks, Twin Peaks, for making sure that I can never Google myself without adding greater specifications. For instance: Laura Palmer +Newfoundland, or Laura Palmer +What in the World?

My name was even the answer to a question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" at one point.

I just think that if my name was Sheniqua Palmer or Prudence Palmer I would be easier to find on the internet, that's all.

The other day I was watching MTV and a new song was being played called "Laura Palmer's Prom" by: "You Say Party! We Say Die!" Next day I got a message in my Facebook inbox with somebody telling me about that very song. How much do you want to bet that Prudence Palmer would not find her name being randomly used in a song?

My passport is set to expire in 2010. I haven't changed my name to the hyphenized version yet, so as of now I'm still officially Laura Palmer. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my last name. But, when my passport expires, I think I'll go ahead and get the name-change ball rolling so that my name can be my own instead of having to share it with a dead character from a dead show. :)

(FYI, I'm actually grateful that my parents decided against names like Shaniqua and Prudence. Smart move).

(FYI, I'm not really going to hyphenize my name just to make Googling myself easier.)

(FYI, sometimes sharing a name with a dead character in a once-popular TV series proves to be a great conversation-starter).

Friday the 13th

Today:

•  I discovered an earwig that was discovering my foot.
•  I was stuck at home all morning with no vehicle.
• I received an e-mail informing me that I had just made a Paypal transaction which involved me sending $150 USD to Zynga Game Network for 5 "chips." (I'm not a gamer).
•  I missed the Olympic torch relay that I was SO excited about because I had to spend the afternoon trying to decipher everything the lady from Paypal was saying (not the greatest English speaker the world has ever seen). Now, after my time abroad, I've grown somewhat accustomed to this, but nonverbals are kind of imperative.
• When backing out of the driveway to head to supper, our car both received and provided our Landlord's car with a nice, long scratch in the paint. (FYI - I was the innocent passenger in this situation).
•  I came  home after supper and fell asleep for 2 hours. Therefore, the joy that accompanies a Friday night just went out the window. (Full disclosure: this one is obviously my fault).

......Happy Friday the 13th!

People Celebration

Sorry if my last post seemed a little bleak. It wasn't intended to come across that way. It was more about me demonstrating a lesson that I have been learning on my personal journey through grief. In any case, it got me thinking about people I know who have passed away, and how in death we typically ignore any shortcomings they may have had and instead focus what made them special, unique, wonderful.

Frankly, it makes me sad that so many people who have already passed on never had the opportunity in life to hear the great things that people think/say about them in death. I do not have many regrets with regards to my father, because I know he knew how much I loved and respected him. Though, I do wish I had articulated it to him more fully, more regularly. But at his funeral all I could think about was how much I wished he could be there to hear all the great things people were saying about him and to see for himself how much he was admired and cared for.

Why do we wait until somebody dies to pay homage to that person?

It really is unfortunate. The fact that we are living, breathing organisms with the capacity to love automatically makes us special. And yet we so often let the opportunity to tell people how much they mean to us and what makes them particularly special fall to the wayside. Either that or we allow negativity to eat up all positivity and choose instead to focus on things we don't like. Come on, we're all guilty. I surely am. As an example, there is this guy on my Facebook friends list and every time he updates his status or makes any sort of comment I find myself seething - I just absolutely disagree to the core with nearly every point he tries to make. There have been times I've found myself so annoyed that I've almost deleted him, thinking that it would be better to just save myself the energy. After contemplating it further, though, I decided I would try to grow as a person and not just erase him. Alternatively, I am going to make an unprecedented effort to see the good. What makes him unique. Special. I know it exists. I've just been too distracted to see it.

Whatever the case, we need to tell people what we like about them and what makes them so special more often. In teacherspeak, if you want to see an increase in a desired behaviour, you provide positive reinforcement. More importantly than that, (because trying to change people doesn't often go over that well), if you believe in loving one another, expressing that and saying why you love a person is a good start. As a teacher probably my favourite technique to use in class (especially when things got dramatic - yes, in grade three) was "warm fuzzies." My students would write their names at the top of a piece of paper and their paper would get passed to each and every person in the class, who in turn would anonymously write one thing they really like about the student who owned the paper. Immediate results. Kids who had been having a tough day suddenly looked as though they'd won a million bucks. Kids with low self-esteem suddenly felt like superheroes. Let's face it, sometimes, people just want or need to hear that they're special.

So, all of that to say this: I think we need more of a people celebration in this crazy, individualistic world. Let's not wait until somebody dies to make them feel loved or to let them know what about them is lovely. Personally, I'd like for everybody to have a day. Birthdays are on the right track, but as I've gotten older I've noticed that they have become sort of anticlimactic. These days after the 500th "happy birthday" on Facebook it kind of feels like most people are just fulfilling a duty. Birthdays should be a celebration of the person who was born, but they aren't. At least, not to the extent I would like them to be! Wouldn't it be nice if everybody had one day out of the year, birthday or not, to just be celebrated and have hordes of people express to them all the reasons they add to the planet just by being alive? Everybody would have their own personal warm fuzzy day. That way, we would start to celebrate people in life as opposed to just death and really highlight the value that each person has within them.

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In some way, this is probably a fitting blog topic because today is Remembrance Day. I don't, by any means, agree with war, but I am forever grateful to those who fought and have given me the opportunity to live in a free nation. I'm also grateful to those who continue to do that for other nations. Today the celebration should start with them.

Lest we forget.

Life & Death

Almost every day there comes a point when I find myself shocked at everything that has happened in my life over the course of the past couple years.

Between late 2007-2009:

I graduated from university, moved to the other side of the world, travelled to fourteen different countries, had my apartment burglarized in Korea as I slept, taught little children who could not speak any English, met some of the greatest people I'd ever known until that point, ate things I never thought I would eat, did things I never thought I would do, got married, was blessed with two nephews, added two puppies to my family, taught music in a great school in Alberta, directed a Christmas musical and choir, took a travel writing course from Ryerson, got accepted into my master's programme, watched my grandfather deteriorate mentally, lost my grandmother, then, in many ways, lost my other grandmother (who I have not been able to have a conversation with since she had a stroke last Christmas), and of course - lost my father.

All of my accomplishments and moments of happiness seem to be obscured by loss. As you have probably surmised, I am not the same person I was in early 2007. My life before then was pretty predictable, pretty consistent. I was naive with a sprinkle of ignorance. Parts of the Laura I am today are envious of the Laura I was yesterday. After all, I had a charmed life. All the people who loved me most in this world were still with me. It hurts that I lost so much in such a short period of time. Yet, I refuse to let myself be defined by my loss. Anybody who has lost those they love so deeply know how easy it is to fall into a rut that seems to just call out your name. But, like a fighter in the ring I battle it everyday - as opposed to just standing there and letting it get the best of me.

A few nights ago one of the girls in my class did a presentation on the existentialist theory of counselling/therapy. Most of the presentations up to that point had kind of went in one ear and out the other, but this one really spoke to me and my current situation. One of the main guys behind this theory is Viktor Frankl. Some of you may have heard of him before, or even read his book: Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl was a holocaust survivor who spent time in some of the most notorious Nazi concentration camps, including the infamous "Auschwitz." His wife, parents, and most of his other family died in these camps. This guy had the most incredible attitude despite everything that he had been through. He gives me hope that human beings can come out of nearly anything with their heads held high if they choose to. He proposed a little mathematical equation for his situation: D=S-M. Before you begin to feel like you're reading a term paper, hear me out. Despair = Suffering - Meaning. In other words, you can avoid despair by finding meaning in your suffering. Even now, to me, that seems impossible. I see no meaning behind Alzheimer's. I see no meaning behind strokes that debilitate people to the extent that they are stuck inside their own body with no way to communicate. I see no meaning behind the death of a young, healthy man. But even though I cannot see the meaning, I cling to the hope that somehow it still exists.

The girl doing the presentation also played this clip of Steve Jobs. For all the PC-lovers out there, Steve Jobs is co-founder and CEO of Apple Inc. (FYI, anything he says after the 4:10 mark doesn't matter, so you can stop it there.)

:)

I love this, because Steve Jobs articulates so simply yet eloquently what it meant for him to be faced with death. His message differs greatly from Frankl's, but both are equally valid. Steve offers a kind of realistic-yet-dismal message. Though, I couldn't help but think after viewing the clip that maybe it shouldn't seem so dismal. We are all going to die. It's just a question of when. Confronting loss, in many ways, can be good for the human spirit. Standing in the face of death (as we all do each day) should help us to work harder, waste less time, be kinder, more peaceful, less judgmental, more compassionate, give freely, love more deeply. Because life truly is uncertain. We are not guaranteed another minute. Death is ubiquitous. Death, in all its ambiguity, is unavoidable. And in some paradoxical, oxymoronic way, death is a part of life.

Armed with the new knowledge that me and my family are not immune, my quest to find meaning has officially begun. I may not find it in this lifetime, but I have to believe I will someday because S-M=D. Suffering without meaning equals despair.

Notes from my Mama

One of the reasons I am reconsidering not getting the H1N1 vaccine:

October 27, 2009

Good morning,

Please don't text me at 3:00 a.m. It wakes me up and I sometimes have difficulty sleeping.

By the way, there is more mercury in a can of tuna than there is in the vaccine.

Love and kisses,

Mom

October 28, 2009

Hi sweetie,

How are you doing? I just wanted to wish you a terrific day!!! It is snowy here today..YUK!! Apparently it was very icy when people came into work today. I was at work at 7:00, so I got here before the ice started..a good thing since I don't have any winter tires on yet.

Have you had your H1N1 shot yet? Make sure you watch for vaccination times and you go and get your shot. :-)

Love and kisses,

Mama

October 30, 2009

Hi Laura,

I have also investigated the vaccine a little more. I feel everyone should be getting the vaccine because the risks associated with it are not as great as the actual virus. I had a conversation with someone from Health who indicated that there are already a couple of cases where people are having to be hooked up to ventilators. They are also reporting that they have never seen a virus quite like this one. It is scary!!

Just some food for thought!

Love,

Mom

November 2, 2009

FYI. Read the first article.

Barbara Palmer, Psy.D.

SEO - Student Support Services

Independent experts to study safety data on H1N1 vaccine

November 4, 2009

HI,

I just heard that another person has died in Newfoundland from H1N1 complications...40 years old. You & Craig definitely have to get vaccinated!!!!!!

Love,

Mom

*******************************************

....And these are just a few examples.

As Promised...

It seems that Blogger is even harder on photo quality than Facebook is. Also, for some reason, Blogger is currently forcing me to utilize underlined text. I don't think I enjoy you today, Blogger!

Due to the decreased photo quality (coupled with poor choice of positioning on our part) you cannot really see our costumes very well. So let's recap: I am a very unoriginal Superwoman (though the dress may seem super short in this picture, it's not actually that short and the costume was probably the least-skanky one I could find for females!) Craig bought a last-minute mask for $1.50 and pulled on my old witch dress. Winston is a hotdog (seriously, how amazing is that?) and Winnie is a very adorable witch. I may post better pictures of us at a later date. Or I may not. I'll let you wait it out in suspense.

Halloween ended up being kind of fun until we made the very stupid decision to go see "Paranormal Activity" late at night. Yes, despite the fact that I am a self-proclaimed, afraid-of-nearly-everything WIMP, for some reason I thought it might be fun to go see a movie that actually guarantees it will give you nightmares. It should be noted that I left my room and crawled into bed with my sister for many a night until she moved away for university and I had no choice but to suck it up and learn how to sleep in my own bed with the lights off. It should also be noted that Craig (who is not afraid of much) was watching the trailer for this movie the other night when the power went out. During the outage he would not let me leave his side because he was so struck by fear. (Sorry Craig).

I've actually been doing really well with my fears since high school. Until Saturday night, that is, when all those fears came rushing back. I went to this movie assuming it would be about ghosts. Ghosts I can handle. Ghosts were humans at one point. I was not aware that the movie was actually about demons, and let me tell you - I do NOT do demon movies.

Even though I literally spent two-thirds of the movie (at least) with my head down and fingers in my ears (the sounds in movies actually scare me more than the sights) I still know exactly everything that went down and it's been plaguing me at night. In the daytime I know my fears are nongermane and ridiculous. In the night all sense of logic and maturity goes out the window and I become that frightened little girl who has to sleep with a Bible under her pillow again! (I actually haven't gotten to that point yet, but I'm pretty close).

You'd think that since Craig is with me I would feel more comfortable, but he has no problem getting to sleep. So while he's frolicking through clouds in dreamland I am left alone to fend for myself. Thanks a lot Craig! It's a bit analogous to being late for a flight and running to catch it, but because he can run faster he makes it on and I don't. And then he waves to me through the window as the plane rises into the sky.

That it takes me so long to fall asleep is the problem. Sleep crawls in like a dying snail for me because my brain is overactive and then my imagination goes into overdrive. I'm always left behind. I remember spending the night in a tent with my mom, aunt, and cousins. My mom and aunt told us the scariest ghost stories, and then before I knew it EVERYBODY in the tent was asleep. Awesome. Enjoy your sleep guys. I'll just lie here like a security guard and wait to make sure none of the scary things you just told me about happens to you.

From now on I will research what a movie is about before I make a decision to go see it. This is a pact I am making with myself. And this is a warning to everyone who reads this that I might ever go see a movie with: do not drag me to a scary movie and then fall asleep before me! Or else I will break out my freaking super-soaker and while you're busy getting dried off I will fall asleep and leave you alone to deal with whatever is coming for us.

I actually had no intention of writing about the movie when I started this post and I probably should have avoided it because now all this is fresh in my mind and I have to go to bed. And, right now, of course, Craig (and even my two puppies) are already asleep.

So, I guess it's off to play security guard!