2010

A new year.

What will 2010 bring? I have hopes for it; hopes for growth, peace, love, and happier times. I am resolving to not make any resolutions, but rather to try and take every opportunity I have to better myself as a person.

I have not been blogging as regularly as I would like in these past few months. There are several reasons for this, some of which include school becoming particularly crazy from November-December, during Christmas I wanted to soak up as much time with those I love as possible, and I have had some other things in the works that have been demanding my time and attention.

I miss writing. And by that I mean writing things that flow from my heart and soul as opposed to gigantic, meaningless research papers that suck the life out of me. It's been a long time since I've been able to sit down at my beloved MacBook and just let some of the thoughts and ideas floating around in my head reveal themselves. With the exception of my monthly letters to Daddy, of course.

Speaking of which, a few weeks ago I decided that my December letter to Daddy would be my last public letter. Even such a small decision as that was extremely difficult for me to make because I do not in any way want people to think I'm "over it" or finished grieving. The untimely death of Daddy continues to impact my life on a daily basis to the point where some days I do not even recognize myself. I don't know that I'll ever completely come to terms with it or that the shock will ever wear off. Of course there has been some sort of progress, but whether or not my progress appropriately follows the textbook example of the "grieving process" is highly debatable at best.

I do not regret writing these letters and making them public because I had a purpose behind doing so right from the beginning. My purpose was to let anybody and everybody who cared to read what I had to say know about this amazing man who happened to be my father. I wanted to honour him by making it public knowledge that although his time with us was relatively short, his was a life well-lived. THAT is why I wrote the article for the Globe & Mail. THAT is why I have continued to make monthly postings in letter-format to him. Of course, I also hope that he is somehow able to get the messages I've been sending...

I think I've accomplished that goal. Daddy's memory is also being kept alive by his friends who formed the "Ray Palmer Legacy Foundation" and all the others who do little things to pay tribute to him.

So why stop? There are several reasons.

1.) As I previously said, I feel my purpose in making these letters public has been accomplished. I still want everyone to know how special he was, but I am currently exploring other avenues for doing this.
2.) I don't have to censor this blog, but I feel the pressure to because I'm aware that there are several people who read this thing but don't comment. My letters to Daddy will continue, but they will be personal and uncensored, i.e., I can express my innermost thoughts and feelings without worrying about who will think what about what.
3.) Death has sort of become a theme for me in the past couple years, and it clearly shows on this blog. I am aware that people probably aren't interested in reading about death constantly. To be frank, my monthly letters were not intended to be for the reading pleasure of anyone. It was something I did in part for myself but mostly for Daddy. I'm sure the theme will arise again in future posts as it has so forcibly pushed its way to the forefront of my life, but as for the letters, I really feel it's time to make them personal and to make room for other topics of discussion on this blog. Especially considering that I never originally intended to share anything about my personal life here but rather discuss issues and topics of interest.

Not to mention that now I also have another grandmother that I'll probably be writing letters to as well...

So 2010 may look a little different around here. In any case, I plan to continue blog-a-ling, and hope that maybe I have some readers who are willing to come along with me for the ride.

Here's to hoping for an eventful (in a good way) 2010.

<3